Part 1: To Be Read On Your First Day Of Primary School.

Hello, son.  As Darth Vader said to Luke Skywalker, “I am your father.”  (For my generation, that would have been a spoiler, but as a boy growing up in the 21st century, you will no doubt be watching the Star Wars films in chronological order, so it won’t be a big deal.)  As your father, there are certain things in life for which I feel I should prepare you.  I have broken up this letter into two parts - this half for today and Part 2 to be read later, on your first day of high school.

Your mother and I are sending you to a co-educational school, because neither of us believes it’s healthy to spend your days isolated from fifty percent of the population.  Doing academically well at school is not as important as having a good work ethic - try to put your best efforts into everything.  We are going to limit your use of some technologies at home, but feel free to read books in your spare time, and also to have conversations with real people.  Try to be genuinely interested in what they say.  At school, you will inevitably find that boys like to punch each other for ‘fun’.  Never instigate this, but feel free to return a ‘friendly’ punch when this happens to you.  However, never hit a girl.  Even your sister.  We know she will probably try to take advantage of this, so we will do our best to ensure she doesn’t hit you.  We apologise in advance if we do not always succeed.

Learn the guitar.  That ‘dubstep’ stuff you’re listening to isn’t music - it sounds like a cow having an epileptic fit.  Instead, listen to Mum and Dad’s Compact Disc collection - we can show you how to use the ‘stereo’ (the thing in the lounge room like an impractical, oversized iPod.  And for goodness’ sake look after the CDs and don’t scratch them.)  Once you’ve found music you like, download the tablature and chords for your favourite songs from the Internet, then learn them on guitar until you can play from memory.  If you can sing well enough, do that too.  Every time you’re finished, put all the CDs back where you found them - alphabetical order by artist, then each individual artist’s works are arranged chronologically.  (It’s like creating a timeline within a dictionary - two more useful school skills.)  If you really don’t enjoy the guitar, keep trying different musical instruments until you find one you like.

Play a team sport that involves a ball.  Don’t ever sledge the opposition and never say anything disparaging to or about a member of your own team.  This goes for everything in life - never improve your stature by diminishing someone else’s - do it by making yourself a better person.  If you don’t enjoy the first team sport you attempt, keep trying different ones until you find one you like.

And that’s it!  Join me and this piece of paper in seven or so years for Part 2.

Part 2: To Be Read On Your First Day Of High School.

Hello again, son.  I hope the past seven years have been rad and I haven’t embarrassed you too much.  By saying things like ‘rad’.  If you have developed that work ethic I ranted abut, it should now serve you well in high school.  As well as schoolwork and homework, there is also something else you need to do called ‘study’, which really means ‘going over things until the important stuff sticks in your brain’.  When it comes time to choose subjects, pick the ones you enjoy and are good at.  If anyone ever tells you to do a subject because it ‘scales well’, please ignore them and walk away.

If you can play the guitar (or another musical instrument) and a team ball sport, then the skills and friendships you have made may theoretically make high school easier.  Never bully anyone.  If someone is being treated unfairly, try your best to stop it.  Also, I know it might be difficult, but try not to be shy or awkward about asking us about anything or talking to us about ‘sex’.  And we will try not to be shy or awkward in return.  Try not to ‘fall in love’ with anyone unless you are actually ‘in a relationship’ with them.  If you are too intently focussed on one person, you might miss amazing opportunities with other people who are right under (or over) your nose.  If someone breaks up with you, try your best to ‘fall out of love’ with them - it is not worth wasting your angst on a relationship that has failed, and again you could miss out on something amazing.  Most importantly - if that team ball sport you play is football, please pay heed to the following: a sexual experience should never involve one woman and multiple men at the same time.  If one day you find that sex involves just you and multiple women, then... um... maybe ask your mother for her judgment on that one.

Like Yoda in Return of The Jedi, I’m pretty sure I have no more advice to give.

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